If Planets Were Yoga Instructors, Who Would Be the Most Annoying?

Yoga is supposed to be relaxing, but that depends entirely on the instructor. Some bring peace and enlightenment; others turn a simple stretch into an existential crisis. If the planets ran a yoga studio, one would undoubtedly take the crown for being the most insufferable. And that planet is

Mercury.

1. The Constant Talking

Mercury, ruler of communication, wouldn’t just guide a class—it would

narrate every movement like an auctioneer with caffeine jitters.

Every pose would come with an unnecessary TED Talk about its history, benefits, and how it connects to quantum mechanics.

“Did you know the Downward Dog was inspired by ancient warriors stretching before battle?”

Nobody asked, but now the class is 20 minutes behind schedule.

2. Zero Focus, Maximum Chaos

Mercury, famous for its speed and restlessness, would change routines mid-flow.

One second, it’s a calming Sun Salutation; the next, it’s an impromptu acro-yoga session.

Half the class would be attempting a handstand while the other half is still in child’s pose, wondering what happened.

3. The Tech-Obsessed Guru

Unlike serene, nature-loving yoga instructors, Mercury would run the class like a

Silicon Valley startup.

Instead of soft instrumental music, expect

notifications from three different fitness apps.

Meditation would include

a data analysis of heart rates.

And, of course, every class would end with a “quick” podcast recommendation that lasts two hours.

4. The Retrograde Meltdown

Every few months, Mercury would blame retrograde for

showing up late, forgetting class schedules, and making everyone do poses backward.

“Today, we’re flowing in reverse to realign with the cosmic shift.”

In reality, Mercury just lost the lesson plan.

5. Overcomplicated Instructions

A simple “breathe in, breathe out” wouldn’t be enough. Mercury would throw in

philosophy, scientific jargon, and five different breathing techniques at once.

By the end, half the class would be lightheaded, and the other half would have abandoned the session for a nap.

Final Verdict: A Stress-Inducing Experience

While Saturn would be too strict, and Mars would turn yoga into a military boot camp, Mercury wins for being the most

exhausting, unpredictable, and impossible-to-follow

instructor. The class would end with

more anxiety than when it started.